Pictures of Dance Day Wall A Day After

So, as you can see everyone is involved in preparing, as well as in clearing up, including little Marjaan and grandmother wan too. Thank you Hitori, Machiko and people from Asian Pottery.

Today, me and Hitori are looking for some funding to fire the clay wall. And it may costs around 5,000 - 6,000RM. Suggestions are very welcome!!!

AiDance - A Contemporary Choreographic Journey

 Below: Pics for Feast of Fools - Center of Performance Research, Aberythswyth, Wales

2004-2007 EOC 3 -Urbanshaman on the Move. Choreography: Jadi-Jadian (2005 Korzo Theater, Den Hague; Dance Attelier, Rotterdam, 2006 School of New Dance and Development, Amsterdam) , Guna-Guna (2006 Rijkweg Church City Apartment, Rotterdam). Aida has been busy developing her research on New Dance Intervention. It is a project that highlights her life on the move, as she learns about the world, and to return what she learns to serve the society and most importantly to lead and be led by the stories she collects along the way. As a young girl, aida has always been a physically inclined. She was always challenged as a sports athlete and an outdoor hiker/and runner with the Penang Brats, and influenced by her brothers involvement in Tae-Kwan-do and father's craze for Rugby, throughout her younger days. (And taking after her family's frequent shifts from KL, Penang, Johor, and back to Penang to stay). Aida finds herself very easily adaptable to change and thirst for new discoveries. As a young girl she is constantly on an expedition, learning and searching ways to interpret stories she gathers from her contact with her family, friends, people she meets, places, landscapes, architectures, myths, and objects that parallels to her own personal life. A Malay girl growing and living from state to state in Malaysia, and identifying herself between city life and kampung experiences, she began to find her own ways to adapt to the constant shifts. She enjoyed dreaming and making-up fantasies of the ideal world. She remembers the days as a young girl following her mother to work, taking the bus from Pudu Raya to Bukit Nenas Convent School, Aida would look out into the world through the bus glass window and fantasizing herself as the wise magician woman, taking total control of the world, and cleaning up the mess, the dirt, the pollution, the poor beggars, the hungry animals and children in the buzzing city of KL. Saving every living creature from harm and poverty. How could she serve her surroundings, while she observes her mother, working hard to keep the family together as she was the breadwinner for some years (while father taking big risks with money attempting to start own business). Feeling proud and almost envied the strength of her mother, her mother's mother, her great grandmother and even the woman friend of the grandmother (who is said to be a bomoh-shaman, and who rares spirits) - who have been the ideal image of the Wise woman, the storyteller - the religious ustazah, the ones in power. (This women sailed on a little boat across the sea from Medan to Singapore, escaping the Japanese Occupation in Indonesia, and running away from their men folk who were too weak, too poor, too lazy to support, defend nor protect them).
As a child aida was a wanderer, observing and seeking for family stories such as these to relate to and empower herself as she was voiceless to speak against a family tragedy that traumatised her mother and her own sister. And in a way a tragedy that affected her siblings as her mother experienced a period of depression (a natural reaction that will happen to any other woman in the same situation) while having to continue to raise the rest of the family amidst the tragedy of losing her daughter to her in-laws. Her sister was separated by force from her mother by another woman, her father's own mother. Another dominant Grandmother figure and 3 daughters from the Minangkabau clan. Powerful women yet jealous women. They never could accept Aida's mother (the modern city woman from Singapore) as the wife of the son and brother, as a mother to the grandchildren, niece and nephew, as their new daughter and sister-in-law, who is in every way a good woman. Aida is haunted by this nightmare, although she is not directly affected by it as she was not even born when the incident happened,... but her mother's cries and torment remains silently vivid in her psyche. Her father's and grandfather's lack of power and courage to take control of the situation, gave her reasons to always question the paternal male authoritarian and figure who reigns as the master to the women race in her early works. 

Aida as an artist, acknowledges the existence of a woman's psyche fears and distrust towards the male figure. But also curious towards a woman psyche itself, their state of mind and self control, their vulnerabilities/and capabilities to lose themselves in hysterical outbursts and unpredictable temperaments if provoked. As we all know in Malaysia and have seen and experienced stories or happenings of women or young girls in hysteria - and knowing that it exists deep in every woman's psyche. It could only be due to a reaction of being unhappy, deprived of love and affection, emotionally or physically abused or a reaction towards being suppressed, and a tragedy for example. To avoid any possibility of confronting this unknown energy/spirit/will (if it exists. How does one know if it exist in every woman, unless provoked?) Maybe, it can only be perceived, but realistically cannot be confirmed if it is not provoked by a traumatic experience, but no one can really determine the extent of a woman's fighting will, spirit and power. Aida cannot define this herself, as she has never experienced what her mother has gone through or other universal experiences of women, what they have felt or how their psyche can experience hysteria in the most tragic situations. But for aida, this could be one out of the many reasons why she as a child chose to be the silent girl - who knows, no one can determine why we each choose how we deal with the world?, (and it could have been the same for many other little girls or little boys) lost in fantasy world, to play the role of the heroin, the warrior, the magician to save the world of people, nature and creatures from abuse, manipulation and return the freedom that has been violated. Wanting to feel, be in contact, explore and confront this psyche, the spirit that is within every woman. Lost in play where Aida is seeking for this unknown side of the woman psyche, here she refers that her play is the fantasy and dream space where every child experiences till adulthood, a child's play is a behavior  that is important for all young and old people to be in touch as they grow healthily. Play as a way to discover, learn and understand the world around them. The silent play for Aida, is not a sign of indifference. Indifference is not to care, not to act, not even to think, believe or breath. Indifference is inhuman and inhumane. This silence, on the other hand is almost always premeditated, a willful act, where without silence there would be no sound.  As a choreographer and artist today, and with a loud need to express through physical play and study of the body, Aida has learned to use her art to uncage that premeditated silence of play. And like a shaman warrior she seeks freedom and transcendence to express through her choreographic forms and content, as an attempt to experience this silent psyche or even understand it, or  possibly finding its similarities in performance by experiencing a theatrical Catharsis through kinesthetic expression, acknowledging its enlightenment to the profound similarity of the healing state of 'Angin' in Mak Yong or the dantian of Noh. And in the few years of her experience she has found a space in her perfomance existence where it has enabled her to evoke this energy within her and create ways to use it to heal herself  and the people around her through her art of ritualizing dance thru storytelling, while entertaining and educating the public. Through her work she is able to express all fear and distrust of the psyche through choreography as an intervention process, so as to empower and build courage for all to confront the unknown. Her works today share the method of new dance with the daily public and community of collaborators, performing artists and audiences in all context of life and environment. Re enacting a shaman, or a storyteller, making it larger than life through her body installation and its design.... she explores the phenomena of transformation and shifts of human psyche through intervention and chance happening live with the real world as her way to transcend and heal - as humans acknowledging God's might and will, by highlighting our human fragility and weaknesses in the characters she project. And simultaneously to evoke or meet eye to eye with the woman warrior psyche that may exists or hidden within each being's (each persona or character) in their will live and story of survival - in which she studies to represent in her choreography.

2002-2004 Aida Redza - a Shakti Dances Alone. Berkumandangnya Qasidah (2002 InTransit Festival, House of World Cultures, Berlin; ASEM Conference, Kobenhavn International Theater Event), Stirrings (2002 InTransit, House of World Cultures, Berlin; Muiderpoort Theater, ColourDance, Amsterdam), Naked On Tip-Toe (2002 InTransit, House of World Cultures, Berlin), Feast of Fools (2003 Images of Asia Festival, Kobenhavn International Theater; 2004 Dasarts, Amsterdam; 2004 Asia Euro- Young Choreographer's Festival, Berlin), Manuk Dewata (2003 Mohram Concert at Istana Budaya Malaysia), Tiga Naga (2003 Choreography for Group Work for Tandak Dance Company, Ramli Ibrahim Sutra Dance Co.) Deeply affected by the news of the passing of her American friend Major Spencer Sanders in North Carolina, and regret for not knowing until 2 years later in 1998. Aida began to dwell on the concepts of immortality and eternal life, reincarnation, death and rebirth, resurrection, the continous cycle of the spirit transcending the mortal shell and returning in another form of life in her performance. Trying to embody the principle of living in physical or spiritual form (in performance) for an infinite length of time as the driving force of her work. Becoming the mythical creature, embodying the state of omnipresence in her solo choreography. Her short and intensive introduction to the training of Noh Theater by Naohiko Umewaka in the Flying Circus Laboratory with Theaterworks had inpsired her tremendously,... and followed by a journey into Buto. While Tai-Chi and Qigong complimented her performance center and discipline in her state of presence on stage. With this understanding to evoke and embody both the powerful physical and intrinsic soft quality of the dantian power within her,... aida in a way during her early choreographic journey,.. had the passion to use her art as a spiritual enlightenment to understand God's miracles of life and death, by means of centering the psyche, mind and soul and evoked the power of the 'shaman-warrior' that could heal her reality and the world around her. And to be one with the Universe. Creation is the beauty of existence, creativity of the body, mind and soul is where she wishes to empower herself with, and this passionate inner creativity is shared to all and reality,... this creative space is where we must all be, a space suspended between the two worlds of beginning and end,... where she often floats in a suspended dream state in dance - the art of unknown. Often misinterpreted by some (who has crossed paths with aida) regards her as being different because of her opinions about the significance of body, mind and soul in relation to the universal psyche, life and the world, who thinks they know her well, can only evaluate Aida as being the crazy, unreasonable, lacking of moral and religious values and therefore a weak character - woman - mother. It is shameful how some few individuals are shallow to perceive motherhood and particularly aida's role as a mother to her daughter, based only on their discriminative study of her artistic preference, mission or ambition and expressions (here it is pointed out that it is only the few individuals she knows). How wrong they are as they are the people who are actually the ones who live in fear and afraid of the unknown, and the ones whom are lost when they are unable to make sense or control the will power and spirit of the unknown. The freedom of unpredictability and chance is what drives Aida's choreographic principle, and yet it frightens those who cannot make sense or simply discriminate it as they lack the ability to possess it or control. It is strange how art can make one feel so powerless and fragile. But that is its purpose,... it triggers self reflection. And with that comes realization and transcendence,... and ultimately submission to,... in my believe and faith, a submission to Gods existence. And that state of being one with God, is the enlightenment of healing in dance. Amin.

Urbanshaman On The Move 2006 - Guna-Guna

THE POSTCARD OF URBANSHAMAN ON THE MOVE MARCH 2006 - ROTTERDAM featuring GUNA-GUNA.

Here are pictures from Urbanshaman On The Move March 2006 featuring the choreography Guna-Guna. The piece was created in the studio at Codarts in the span of 2 months as it moved through 3 phases of exploration and intervention, before we presented it at the hallway of an old church that is used today as an adjoining hall between two blocks for City Apartment in Rotterdam. I had with me 12 great performers. 3 Musicians/vocal and 9 movers. They shared and inspired such powerful spirit to the whole project, and thumbs up especially to the music trio, collaborators, exclusively Michal Ozowski. The venue, hall was chosen because of its strategic existence as it was the remaining structure of the old church tower. It stands to intervene between the two new blocks, as an entrance as well as the exit out between the two blocks.

In the second year of EOC (2005 -2006) - the UrbanShaman on the Move project focused on the importance of developing a group composition that is triggered from the experiences in working in groups for dance. The experiences includes such that arises from human relations in working as a group, as we explore the subject of sovereignity and power.I was interested to observe the process, from the perspective of the different leadership approaches that was used by the dancers to assert ideas as the dancers confronts the issues of power within the choreographic process. As well as at the methods we used to develop the idea, while taking great attention to each dancer's individual feelings and desires, as well as the groups will, emotions, dreams and fears. And at the same time dealing with the groups relation and mentality in their ways of contributing to the idea. My role as the choreograher is to inject an initial entry point into the subject matter while inspiring the dancers to explore. I come in everyday to the rehearsal with specific tasks and direction, and stood ready with my intervention strategies to pick on the moments when the 'power' struggle/communication/conflicts begin to exists in the landscape of their improv. First I interpret those significant moments that i identified as I see it.And then later, I give them time to change my interpretation,into a new pictorial landscape or movement chapter/episode based on another take of the same subject. I empower them to invent an intervention action against my interpretation at their own free will without supressing their own personal impulses.All the different chapters are based on task improvs dealing with thoughts of; are we in control of our own destiny or are we being controlled, and if so who is, what is, how is it being done and what is our response and reaction about it?

My work is to sharpen my skills to create this series of tasks and motivate them towards recognizing immediately the moments they exprerience 'a change' or 'transformation' or what I would like to call the 'experience of omnipotence'.Omnipotence in this context is not asserted by means of delusion. But rather for me this is the moment when the performer is in a living relationship, between the feeling of tingling alive-ness and the magic of being intimate with the moment, a sense of feeling real and of being.Being in control of your own world. "Introjective and projective identifications is taking place in a 'to-and-fro' process between relating to external world and object, and to the internal ones." ... D.W Winnicott in Home is where we start from. This moment when the idea of 'power' surfaces in its truest form within the group as well as the individual dancer, I am there at the very moment analyzing, notating and inventing a storyboard script or score consisting of different chapters of set and structured improvs with composed phrases of movements.

The 3 phases.

The first phase of UrbanShaman; includes working with the individual dancer in their own personal journey and take of power and sovereignity. Recognizing the elements of their metaphoric relation to the symbolism and images of power.With this I introduce different elements and materials that plays important role in my work; ie. food and eating,water and cleansing,and numbers, formulas, objects for mapping the human existence, survival and evolution. And as a group, a new task is given where they interact and redirect themselves in the group category they find themselves spontaneously moving into.Here I have observed how I categorized them in groupings,was coincidentally very much a like the 3 groupings that W.R Bion has made a study on Group Dynamics and Experiences in Groups, The 'fight-flight' group, the pairing group and the dependant group. Our chapters were determined by the grouping of the predator-prey group,the healer and patient pairing, the trinity group and the dependant group.

The second phase of Urbanshaman; the series of improvs are developed into chapters, highlighting the different types of group situations. It is then presented simultaneously with the work from the first 2004-2005 Urbanshaman project, Jadi-Jadian. The objective is to observe how two works from the research, Jadi-Jadian that deals with more of the journey of the internal world - the fantasy or the dream, and Guna-Guna deals with the physical vs phenomena of power in the external world, intervenes with each other.

The subject here is to trigger the chances of chaos, collision through this intervention, that may stimulate the will and impulses of the dancers to make spontaneous 'change' that could enable them to experience a 'transformation'.While journeying fluidly to connect the new chapters created from two separate work, into a larger score.

The third phase involved the process of exploring a chosen site to futher inspire, influence and intervene with the chapters that have been scripted into a score. By which the space of the church - a spiritual power, added more stories and meanings to the score. The score is deconstructed and reconstructed again to include the different stories collected from the relationship with the new space, and the power that exists within its architecture.

The final presentation is a reinvention of Jadi-Jadian to welcome the creation of a structure for Guna-Guna, the second work of the UrbanShaman on the Move. The work was also intervened by the closeness of the audience and their participation in the space and in some sections of the choreography. The final outcome is the process of 'transformation' for the project. Where the change is experienced by all the performers, and the audiences who journeyed through the work and the space and experiencing,i) the performer in their landscape,ii)the performer introducing their world with variants changing the environment of the landscape, and finally iii) the final end outcome when the journey is completed at a different point of the existence of the landscape, completing the choreography.

The third projet of Urbanshaman will focus next on the experience of the audience as an important function to the process. As well as the involvement of the soundscape and visuals used as another level of intervention. By which without them the performance cannot take place. So let's keep our eyes open for new things to come with Urbanshaman on the Move, and if the shaman is willing. God Bless.

Changing the Unchanging

Today Jun 12, 2007 after receiving news from Shanun, TV 3 Malaysia about their change of plans and date of arrival in Copenhagen from 22 -26 June to 6-10 July. And after all the arrangement and preparation I have made with Michal and the dancers from Codarts, with Joe and the Ma-NL group in Rotterdam, Amir the Malaysian artist friend-collaborator living in Copenhagen, about preparing the arrival of the TV 3 team and the mock-up scenarios that we were going to reenact for them etc. I, for the very first time experience a great dissapointment having to 'change' plans. Aida, who strives on being spontaneous in the moment of chance happening, activating change in performance. I was not too happy with rescheduling plans. I cannot improvise and solve the problems arising from this changes (a reaction that opposes the very basic principle my life and work is based on). But it is just that I am not the so 'gung-ho' young blood as I used to be - at organizing happenings at such short notice. Especially in Europe. People do not do 'anything can lah, whatever lah, oklah'. So to pacify my realization that I am getting a little older, I decided to travel down memory lane and google Aida Redza on the internet (as you can see it was only to satisfy my ego. Because secretly, I felt like I failed in my job to coordinate this simple arrangement with my creative friends in holland and in denmark). As I scanned through the sites, I began to panic, realizing - 'oh how wrong!, oh but things have changed!, I do not do Butoh, and I cannot teach Sarawakian dance!!!...,' I can reinvent or deconstruct - if that is too general a statement - I can do a montage of it instead. And then of course there are gossips about my disappearance from Malaysia and back again to stay, my difficulties as well as my successes as a choreographer, performer, a partner, a wife, a mother, a daughter,.... and a friend. And that is the reason for this blog. I decided to set the records straight,.. and make clear who I am, what I do and where I have been,to search not only for freedom to explore and create, but for passion and joy in life, after the most important people who has made my life complete,... my family. and CHANGES that have inspired within me,... lots have happened over the years, some good and some bad, but mostly for the better and much needed. I have to set the records straight that it was not Changes that is triggered by the desire to run away, to deny, or to chase after a more materialistic life or for false recognition for my art work. Not at all. 

As like my work is about being in constant ready to go and being in the moment to activate spontaneous intervention energy, to create change from 'what is not suppose to be and should not be, or not meant to be', and direct the active positive power to transform and transcend it into a tangent of new beginning and beyond. This has also been the major drive in my life principles and reality, to learn, to grow and to always develop immediate possibilities in what i do to better myself - but the spirit within, the will is unchanging - it remains brewing with passion. So I shouldn't be affected at all by the changes in the TV 3 schedule, as well as the changes i have made from the child I use to be to the confident and courageous woman I am today. I should not hyper-ventilate about my passing years as an artist, but instead take a deep breath as a way to strengthen my inner and unchanging spirit. I am constantly evolving in a spiritual dance of changing the unchanging. and it is definitely not about denying, giving up or hiding .....

As an artist, Changes over the years did happen, changes that does not relate at all to some of the many descriptions and articles you can find of me in the AIDA REDZA sites. It can never define the real Aida, outside her artistic life, and neither can one analyze my character, personality and behavior from my writings in this blog, because our state of mind and being is constantly imaginative layered with many vision and dreams that are full of deep creative meaning, symbolisms and allegory. But what one can decipher is my principles, philosophy and outlook, outreaching life and the world. The sites on google consists many different interpretations of me, and consists of descriptions by others that does not express the total truth about me as an artist, and sometimes even an over 'exaggerated' description of my life. But I am not writing here to convince you of who I am. My purpose today is to correct some information about myself as a performing artist at work, and that does not in total express who I really am as a person, my behavior, conduct, my commitment and responsibilities in my relationship with the people in my life.

And so here it is, in parables, I am still the will of the many ages and periods of the old ancient woman, the unchanging spirit Aida Redza. The past, the present and the future. Believing in one mission through art and life, to build a beautiful mosque to house,protect and serve my family, my loved ones, my children, my nation, others, and my Creator.

But like any other living artist, I too experience challenges, struggles and difficulties. Here is my story, First here, I wish to correct some parts of the article Saidah Rastam (Aida Redza - A Search for Freedom to Explore and Create) wrote in Kakiseni about 4 years ago. It concerns the information of projects I was supposed to do, and work I was supposed to get. It was no fault of Saidah for this but rather, truthfully and nothing to do about it, I never succeeded in getting those position/parts I mentioned I would be doing.

1. I did not get to do the Pontianak movie as the double - part,... who am Ilah???, aiyoh... The discussion between me and the person who contacted me to come for the try-outs did not follow through.
2. The work with Sabri Buang and job in Singapore did not materialize because suddenly I heard that Sabri left the Academy, and began work at Istana Budaya (congratulations to him). I did not contact him after, as I was working towards applying to further my studies in Europe.
3. Me and Arif never continued our proposal and discussions to revive Shakti Dances since after our last performance together at Images of Asia Festival in Copenhagen in August 2003. Infact it should not have been suggested to begin with without the presence of our most important member and best friend patner Judimar Hernandez, as well as the Triple A member, Ala. I cannot really give an explanation, but in truth, I was going through a major realization about my personal life in regards to the troubles in my (previous) marriage and the affect it had on me as an artist.

Before and during marriage, as an artist I found myself struggling to be independent financially, and did not accept that I could not survive on my own 'alternative' artistic income. And like every other working person, trying to survive, l learn to accept many commercial works and as many as I can get that pays to provide reasonably for myself and for my daughter, when we had her. As I don't know how other relationships or marriages work in their arrangement with money or sharing money. I did not have a monthly bank account or shared account like how every other husbands has provided for their wives. And so with no need and desire to demand for monthly security, and to be a part of the working woman community - (which gives women an additional sense of purpose and recognition in their lives), I enjoyed to work in my artistry and of course the more classes I taught, projects, touristic and kementerian sort of work I did, the less concentrated I was in the quality of my own expression and creation. And when we had our daughter I became the home mother artist. A dedicated, proud and stubborn super mother who wanted to be like what other career mothers want to be, to prove that we can do it. I can be the working artist.. and full time house mummy, while working on project to project to earn enough for pocket money to be able to save for the future (which I had no idea since as I mentioned above, we never had an open communication between me and my husband in regards to financial situations, which is one of the reason for our fear towards each other). I wanted to earn the money to help and share with him in providing for myself, my daughter and my parents. I did not have a permanent full time job (as I was reluctant to do so because I was dedicated to raising my daughter), and I was an independent and a part-time artist which made my work schedule different from normal mothers (but it worked well as it gave me flexible time to be with my daughter and to also have her at the studio place) It was fantastic, that I am sure every mother would love to have a flexible career like mine. (As we know in the old days, women/mothers went to the fields, or gather food or do daily chores with their child hanging on their backs - they sing, dance, they cook, they clean, they socialize, they work, together with their children). It was amazing and something to be proud off. Having the children involved and participate daily in the adult's life and busy work activities which Rudolf Steiner calls it the holistic way of raising children, is a very much desired way of family living, by parents all over the world. Which is so lacking in our Malaysian modern day family life style today, where the children is left with their maids or at the babysitters. And some fathers rarely participate in or leave it to the women. The changing, the bathing,the caring when the child is sick, the feeding, the consoling, the emotional bonding andt taking responsibility and more - it does not have to be just the mother's role but it could be shared with the father. I was not going to raise my daughter, like every other family - of those relying entirely on maids, if i had the possibility of not having it like that. We were so fortunate. And i was determine to make myself have all the precious time to raise my daughter, the holistic, naturalistic way, to be aware and sensitive with the world around her, to have love and passion for nature, culture and art, and courage to possess the spiritual and mystical knowledge of the world and of our religion, without fear of (wo)man-made protocols, hierarchies and prejudices. And to believe and have faith in the authentic teachings of the Al-mighty. Like every other mother. And at the same time to find the courage of the woman warrior in our spirit and to be one with the universe, the power of love, courage and compassion. That tingling energy,.....of the woman passion drive - the angin - the shakti/sakti. Call it what you will. That power without being suppressed by materialistic worldly comforts but giving in to the most humble state of sacrificing myself before others and submit to the pure power creation, of God. And I was proud that i had the strength, the confidence and the courage to be a mother with all these visions, as well as a working artist on the side, to face and be challenged by these opportunities, and struggles. I was proud of myself - as I managed it all. I was a successful mother.

But in the inside of my home with my (previous) partner before and during marriage - I found myself silent. My spoken words and expressions in writings and work passion were misinterpreted and used against me. A powerless wife in my own home. As I am unable to say what I have to say for fear of being misunderstood, and was emotionally abused as I was belittled and constantly told that I did not know, or have not been taught or learned enough about the basics of life and religion. I could say that my opinion about life, art, reality and spirituality has matured as I aged during the relationship and marriage, but my realization and enlightenment as a person and as an artist was not something new about me. It was who I was before marriage and the girl I was at 19 while courting and in love, and has been the root and inspirations of my artistry ever since, which was accepted then. If I was wrong before marriage, it was the duty of the husband to be to provide good examples to lead, include and advice, but not criticize and discriminate. And if all fails, it is his will to terminate the relationship.

The fact that I have learned that living existence expressed further in art is a constant evolution of 'creative' offerings and submission to the love and compassion of God as a contribution to living in peace with ourselves and with others. My believes and realizations are not different nor wrong, but in my previous home,... this opinion, values and my appreciations of existence and creativity through art and reality is not respected. And about how i perceive and appreciate the power of life and psychology,the concentration of the body, mind and soul, the passion and joy of acknowledging the light and dark forces created by God and the mystics of nature, and most importantly the freedom of will power,in expressing my work,as a woman warrior artist raising issues of injustice and suppression, is regarded as one who is weak and lacking of faith and belief. In fact my focus of the body as an installation of perfection and ideal representation of God's power,is regarded by my ex-spouse - and by those who do not understand dance/installation - suggesting (I) we are obsessed with (our) their body and only desire to display or show off for the sake of seeking attention and for self interest. So it is our role as artists today to set this wrong perception right.

No matter what and how I practice my art, it does not make me a lesser human in the world I live in, outside my art. And my faith and belief is Between me and God,...Allah and I, and to be shared with others through the medium of life expression and work we chose to. But my instincts told me that I have chosen to live a life where my inner voice, my opinions, my need for open and honest discussion to speak my thoughts, intuition, will and curiosity about the society, the body and the soul in art and reality is not understood, not respected and something to be afraid of as it is considered too over the edge and without any values, and my ambitions will always be considered by my life companion (at that phase of time),... as being always inconsiderate, selfish, mementingkan diri or obsession of the self and immoral. It was disheartening and discouraging that since before and throughout my marriage my words and thoughts are belittled and constantly used by this person I shared my life with, as a weapon against me so as to keep me correct and in place. It has created scars along the way, and the scars got bigger each passing year. And today (even after divorce), we could obviously see how it reflects back on his actual lack of respect towards me as a person, surfacing, when he continues to belittle everything about me, and especially my maternal responsibilities and care for our daughter.  

I was unconsciously protesting against becoming the 'wife', whose opinion and thoughts is said to be lacking of knowledge, information and understanding, because he considered that I had 'poor' upbringing. And because of what he regarded (not I)as my 'poor' and 'weak' upbringing, convincing me that I should hang on to him, my messiah, as he is the chosen one, to lead me towards the right way - and so as a young woman at 19 before marriage,I chose to listen to him, as he claims that, i the 'confused one', and he was my saviour. But I could not express my unhappiness openly for fear of disappointing or angering this man. This is not meant as a blame nor a regret or an admission that I was what he said I was. As a young woman infatuated, you want to believe and would give your full trust and life to the person you are deeply in love with. It was how it was, as i considered being, that we were not conscious about how we were emotionally mistreating one another, but today I can say I was emotionally abused, and i take responsibility for my decisions then, and i take responsibility for the decision i made to marry him, and i take responsibility for not convincing him from the very beginning that our relationship can never be a true marriage if we continued to segregate one another with different standards and discriminating views of each other. But I didn't know better then, as love conquered all. And as time goes on, our relationship continued to be build on the basis that he was a responsible provider and a wonderful father, and i am so blessed to have him as the father of my daughter. He gave me and our daughter a comfortable life with everything that he could provide us with before and after marriage, while I was working hard towards the big breaks in my career and being a working mother (like every other modern malay woman today), and he will always provide the financial means when I requested or had to ask him to support me, as in materialistic comfort, as a husband should. And ultimately even in my creative endeavors. And that was that. The materialistic comfort could not replace love and joy of loving. And it was used as security for both of us, so that we will not squabble over our unspoken differences. Eventually when one is in a position of a beggar in one's own home, and totally dependent on their partner,....confusing financial dependance or providing financial needs, in replace for the return of true love,... one is no longer in control of one's own destiny. And the fact that the money kept coming and the house kept growing bigger, and the cars were increasing in 666's, the break-ins, the professional CCTV security system, the lock and the padlocks and the keys to the gates.... the parties, the VIP wannabe's,... the protocols,...I was losing my direction in my own home. I felt like a stranger in my own home. (Of course there were more reasons that were there from the very beginning of the relationship, as my instincts had warned me, such as secrets and life style preferences that were not compatible, and not supposed to be, or should not be. It all added on to the breakdown of the marriage). And it should have been my responsibility to inform and express this difficulties which includes, most importantly my need for respect and to be loved for who I am, and not what I should be or not meant to be, or how I should behave, including the unspoken restrictions to shape me into his ideal image of the 'Malay' woman I am not. I am the proud malay woman that I am capable of being, the Malay infant at birth, as a child, a young malay woman before marriage, and all the Malay woman I can be today. I cannot be more or less than what I am and have been born with.

I didn't know how we let it go on for so long but I stayed on to face the difficulties and difference as a challenge, as the person I was, fighting to make it work. I held on. But he was holding me on a thin rope, from falling over a cliff of transformation, from the frightened girl into the woman who has discovered she needed to speak and tell her true feelings and reclaim the years that was silenced. The marriage was not growing stronger. And so in the early 2002, I had to intervene to make change. I decided to admit that the marriage was not working, and to stop myself from dragging my partner down the cliff with my lack of love, and which I should have done many years before our marriage. But my explanations and my words were rejected and not accepted,or otherwise used against me.

And so it left me with no alternative when words cannot express what i wanted, and so I did what I could best do and knew how. If there is no love for the other, it was not fair to continue, and not right for any one of us, including to our daughter. As the malays says,.. tak ada jodoh. Then one must really make the ultimate decision. We cannot continue begging or forcing each other to stay, or to let go. And so the only way i could solve the situation is to express the best way i can, which was through dance, my art, to go deeper into it as a way to say I want out. My 'dance of life, or ' life dance' of the rebel protesting and a warrior demanding for divorce - I pushed on to change what was not meant to be, with my daughter in my secure arms, for whom I would give my absolute life, to serve with care for the love of God. I continued to dance. Which was then used again as an accusation that I was too busy with my career, to be a responsible mother.  I had to evoke the warrior within me to stop this injustice . Which is to continue and continue to fight for my divorce, and it is only fair, that a true gentlemen, should let the wife go, if all love fails. It was very wrong to force things to work, when knowing it has ended, and therefore forcing the other into difficulty, especially when financial considerations and constraints are in question. Most of the time women suffer in situations such as this,... as they cannot move on with life.

It is not something I am proud about, nor regret. But it was a situation that could have been avoided if we had been more open, trusting and respecting each others decisions and differences to begin with. I am sorry it happened but it did, and we cannot turn back time to make it up, but what we can do to make it better for our daughter today, is to move on and together, we make things work the best for her.

It took almost 4 years till 2006, as I continued to be the best mother i can be throughout, and living on my own earnings without the support of the man, as we could not come to terms on a mutual agreement for a divorce. The road to change during that period temporarily affected my work, career, and left me exhausted as an artist. But never did it affect me as a Shakti mother, the ancient will and unchanging spirit because the change was not to run away from the responsibilities as a caregiver to my child, and my existence as a human-a friend, a being to the relations around me, as I mentioned above. It was not to give up my responsibilities or run away in hiding. But instead this decision to change was to awaken and evoke the woman warrior within me ,... the power that was always existing, unchanging. Only hidden and voiceless. To reclaim what is rightfully mine - my will.

Now, Challenged today, I stand stronger and optimistic that life should be a constant successive births of change, that is necessary for a healthy soul and spirit... The soul and spirit of the warrior woman is unchanging,... it just needs to be recharged and reactivated, when it has experienced years of suppression in a wrong environment. Today,... in a new light, Changing the Unchanging, I am a Shakti who dances alone. And I figure Arif, Judi and Ala is too. But that does not mean that it is a lonely trip alone for all. Instead my take on that is the, power I send and share with them alone from afar,... the power of shakti, activating them to move on with their passion drive, and fluidly-ready for intervention, to change, transform, and transcend beyond words,.... with their creativity, will and joy of living. You go Shakti Warriors!!! As for me,... the change has brought me closer to my dream.... and to appreciate the true beauty of God's world and relationships,... so, let me first start by working on the changed itinerary of the arrival of TV 3,... accepting,.... the program,... that is unchanging. So good luck, good wishes, and good life, and I hope to share this experience of changing the unchanging, to all who is in similar situations in their lives, and to reflect on my story as means to build confidence and comfort that there is room for change, and change does not make you a lesser person, but an enlightened person, in fact it empowers you to know that YOU can make a difference to your world,... and all we can do is reach out and strengthen your uncertainties and fears with prayer and dance of support. Peace to all and especially to my family who has always been there for me. Without them I could not have manage through the most challenging period of my life. When in doubt, turn towards Allah - your intuition, and next to your loved ones. They are God's gift.

(TERRITORY - the picture above is a choreography from the Blind Date Project, DU Codarts 2005. Marcela Giesche in Aida Redza's collaboration with Eric Woltemeijer and Esther Drenth)